If you didn't know it already, you should know that I love country music. Not all of it mind you. But a sizable chunk most definitely. I'm what you would call a typical Southern Girl. I was born and raised (for the most part) in Florida. I loved it there....for better or for worse. I met my best friend there. I survived my parent's abuse there. I broke out of their cage there. The hardest thing for me right now is dealing with the resurgence of my depression. I was the victim for such a long time that now I don't know what else to be. It's much easier to be the victim than to attempt to fight back. If you fight back, you may get hurt. However, now I'm starting to see that if you don't fight that image....fight that box or corner you paint yourself into, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life.
I'm sure it would help you to understand if I provided a little background about me before I go into weekly posting mode. So here goes. I don't feel comfortable sharing my real name so I'll just go by the moniker S.G. for southern girl.
I was raised by Muslim parents who thought that abusing me and keeping me away from the world was the answer. Guess what. It wasn't. It only made me like a wounded vet that comes back from a war so destroyed that he can't cope with what he has seen. He still sees it everywhere. Those booby traps. Those pitfalls. The need protect oneself. The victim slowly goes from being the victim to the victimizer taking in causalities in the process.
I was robbed of most of my childhood. I was robbed of my teen years. I've never gotten over it. I was a cutter. A self-abuser. Worst of all, I had no faith in myself or my abilities or my value as a person.
The last two decades have been a battle. I've had my good times and I've had my bad times. I've lived through so much hell and I am most definitely stronger for it.
While the gatekeeper of my personal hell (my dad) was away, I went through a string of bad relationships. I was date-raped. I was abused. I was cheated on. Then, I found this guy. We'll call him Northern Boy or NB for short.
We fell in love while I was struggling through my Senior internship to become a teacher. The teacher I had was hell bent on making sure that I failed and with the grace of God, his support and my adviser, I was able to graduate.
By the way, I'm not a teacher. And for good reason and one of these days, I'll tell you that story. But not today.
Anyway, last night I let my inner demons push me to the point that I pushed NB to the point of wanting to kick me out in a state where I have no friends, no family and no where to go. I ALMOST LOST HIM.
Right now, I'm fighting to keep this wonderful blessing in my life and I don't know if I can do it. But I know that I have to. I have to save my own life. I'm racing against my own demons and this time, I've got to outrun them or I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
Until next time....xoxo...
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