Brandon, Up, Negativity and the 99%

I'll tell this in order, but I had some stuff I just had to get off my chest.  First off, I want to apologize for being so negative.  I haven't taken moving well at all and lately I just feel invisible.  Sometimes, I just want to be.  Anyway, please accept my apologies for being so down.  I am sorry if I offend you.    Here we go.

Brandon
NB had a friend in high school named Brandon.  Brandon lived life to the fullest.  He lived to live and didn't care what people thought.  He was a genuinely nice guy.  Unfortunately, Brandon died almost a decade ago in a car accident.  I hate the fact that I've spent so much time dwelling on what people think/thought of me.   Life seems like fleeting moments flying by at the speed of light.  You blink and before you know it, college is a memory.  You blink again and you're 30 with like two kids.  I don't want to wake up one day and regret that I didn't live my life.  I ask myself what if my life was over tomorrow?  Would I be satisfied with what I've done and how I've treated people or would I have regrets?  I don't want to waste my time worrying about what people think.  So what if you pushed me in PE?  So what if you looked at me and said ew?  You don't matter.  I have to love myself so that the person who does love me gets the best me there is....

Up
I finally watched Up with NB today.  It happened to be on TV.  I cried throughout it. (DUH!) I cried because he loved this woman so much.  She managed to encourage him from the beyond.  Through her spirit.  I used to be that way with NB.  I tried to lift his spirits when he needed them.  Lately, I've been a disappointment.  He's been trying to lift my spirits to no avail.  I won't let him.  I don't want that to be my legacy.  I don't want NB to look back and think "She was so troubled.  She didn't bring me happiness."  I want to bring him happiness. 

Negativity
Negativity manages to flow through you like a poison.   I can feel when negative thoughts are running through my mind.  My stomach starts to hurt.  IBS is majorly connected to the mind.  Being negative hurts my whole body.  I've come to the conclusion that life is too short for that.  Not to mention I don't want to be sick anymore.  I'm working on what I eat.  I have to work on what I think too.

The 99%
Wanna know a secret?  I was raised dirt poor.  When I was going to middle and high school, I didn't have fancy clothes.  Hell, I wore clothes from Kmart.  I cared what people thought then.  My mom worked so hard to make sure I had something to wear period.  I was emotionally abused too.  Mostly by my dad and via side effect by my mom who never stood up for me.  I had proms, dances, even going to the mall taken away from me.  I've been dirt poor in college.  I've been a mis-manager of money when I thought I was going to be a teacher....decorating my hypothetical room.  I had credit card debt.  I still do.  Not a lot mind you.  It's what's still left.  I hate the fact that companies don't think I belong there.  They aren't willing to even try me.  I have something to offer.  I worked all through high school, college and beyond.  I wanted nothing more than to be accepted.  What I sought, was acceptance of me.  You can't make people accept you.  You can't make someone hire you.  All I can tell myself is that someday, someone will give me a chance and when they do, they will be glad they did.  I know my old job in Jax did.  What I can't get over is the fact that the economy supports people to stay home and do nothing and punishes you for getting an education.  When I worked at kmart...there would be women who would come through (on welfare) and they would buy junk food.  I'm standing there making seven bucks an hour, and here stands some rude crazy woman who hasn't put out an ounce of the effort tormenting me for not smiling.  I'm sorry, I don't feel like smiling when I'm working for chump change out of college.  I am the 99%.  I know there are PHd's out there flipping burgers.  Masters degree holders working the same awful jobs I've worked.  I just wish things made more sense.  What frustrates me, is that there is no justice.  I can't let that get to me. 

-The SG

Girls Who Complain About the Size of the Diamond...

I'll admit it.  I sit there and I admire engagement rings on Helzberg.com.  I like reading the reviews for no reason and I know that he may never ask me bc I have so many flaws and may never be a good financial investment.  I love the reviews where the girl goes "The center stone is only a third of a carat."  WHOA.  Let me get this straight.  You are pissing and moaning because he asked you to marry him and the ring he gave you wasn't large enough for you?  SERIOUSLY.

I would be happy with a true proposal.  I'd be happy with the el cheapo super value ring they sell that has like one stone in it.  It's the thought that counts.  The fact that some guy wants to make you his wife and spend the rest of his life with you should count for something.  I guess that part of it counts more to me than anything bc I come from a really really messed up family and my dad spent tons of time telling me that I was the equivalent to the bottom of his dirty shoe.  That was so comforting.

I just want to belong to a real family.  I don't have my mom's last name and thank God I don't have my dad's either.  I actually have his middle name as my last.  I hate having that brand on me.  I'm so tired of being sad.  I want to love myself but I don't know how.  It's really hard.  I know I have so many blessings in my life (NB being one of them) but the ambitious part of me wants so much more and a lot of it BEFORE I turn 30.

End rant.

xoxo

Bucket List/ 30 Before 30 List

Okay so I know I drown you in heavy stuff most of time and half the time it doesn't even make any sense.  But its my blog so....I'm not going to apologize.  Without further adieu....here's the list.

30. Overcome depression/anxiety attacks. Get engaged for real...with a real ring....instead of a promise one.
28. Be successful in my career.
27. Gain good control of my ibs.
26. Go on a roller coaster.
25. Travel somewhere on a plane with Bryan.
24. Have a baby.
23. Be a good mom....one that would do anything for her kids.
22. Stand up for myself/baby while having said baby when people try to step on said rights.
21. Have a killer 30th birthday with some sort of EPIC celebration.
20. Go to Europe for my honeymoon.
19. See Niagara Falls
18. See a Broadway show in New York.
17. Go to a concert.
16. Learn to love myself.
15. Buy a new car that is mine alone.
14. Stop letting the past hold me back.
13. Buy something couture....not a knock-off.  I'm talking Chanel people.
12. Pay off all my debt.
11. New Year's Eve in Time Square
10. Kiss in the rain for real not just sprinkles.
09. Complete a half marathon.
08. Complete a full marathon.  (Not likely by 30 or even 40... but I guess I'll reach.)
07. Go clubbing full boar.  (I'm talking fully glam, dressed to kill, bringing sexy back.)
06. Successfully make my first Thanksgiving Dinner.  (It has to be edible....)
05. See a musical act in concert.  (My 1st concert was a comedian...)
04. Learn to ride a bike.
03. Learn to swim.
02. Find a comfortable pair of sexy high heels.
01. Get Married

Stupid Maryland

I woke up this morning super sad and all I could think about is how much fun I had in Jacksonville.  I used to go to movies.  I used to do fun things.  And here?  I count every penny until my stomach burns.  I don't sleep like a normal person anymore.  I know I'm not supposed to allow anyone or anything to make me a victim, but right now I can't help it.  Okay, wait maybe I can help it.  But it is an easy pitfall to go careening into.  I miss the fact that there was warmth and sunshine there.  The weather had little to no bite to it.  I must sound like a broken record. 

How am I supposed to get over this?  Why won't anyone hire me?  Why am I so completely undesirable by Maryland standards?  Maryland doesn't make me happy and I don't know if I can see myself spending the rest of my life here.  There's only one small problem.  NB lives here.  And he likes it here and he is NEVER cold.  I'm from the SOUTH....duh.  It's almost like God says if you want this______, then you have to give up everything else that makes you happy.   If you want everything else that makes you happy, then you have to give up NB.  Pick.  I just want to be happy but I don't think I will ever fit in anywhere.  I am and will always be a freak.  But I guess that being a freak is a not so bad after all.

You are...The Only Exception....

I woke up feeling really really really sad today.  I don't know why.  I didn't sleep very well and I just feel all sorts of sad today.  I keep looking at everyone else announcing their babies and weddings and I keep having this dumb thought that I'll never get the chance to share my news with anyone.  I don't know if I will ever get there.  Ever since I quit Cymbalta, I've had this awful rash from hell on my legs and bum.  It's a withdrawal symptom.  I just feel this crushing lonliness today and I don't know if I will be able to shake it.  I see things for babies and little kids and it gets me going because a child's world is so innocent and so pure and I never had that.

I was abused a lot as a little kid and young adult.  My dad was a manipulative......well you know.  All I've ever wanted is to feel safe and feel loved.  NB loves me.  I know that.  But I am too negative for him.  I'm trying but its such a hard fight and I don't know if I will ever be okay.  I just want to be accepted.  I just want to be loved.  I just want to have a few seconds of whimsy.  I want to be able to look back at my childhood and not burst into tears.

I am not a freak.  I am not worthless.  I deserve to be happy too. 

Clueless

 "She is literally the Polaroid of perfection.  She has everything and she'll give it to you in a second.  Looks can deceive.  She wears her heart on her sleeve.  She'll steal you away.  Not just one day, one day, is an ordinary day.  In her world, she's an ordinary girl." -Theme from TV's Clueless

I may not be popular, I may not be pretty and in the grand scheme of things I may not matter to anyone but I am a human being and I owe it to myself to love me.  I owe it to myself to put a band-aid on my wounds and let them heal.  I owe it to myself to let the past be in the past and the present my gift.  I just can't get over how hard it is to watch everyone around me get married and have babies and have the family that I've waited my whole life to have.  If NB's brother's SO gets her baby too, I'm positively going to scream.  Why don't I deserve to be happy?  I'm not getting any younger.  I'm actually getting older.  Every single freaking day.  Why don't I deserve anything?  I have to skip my birthday.  I have to skip Christmas.  I am afraid to find a job and at the same time I need a job that will make me feel better about myself.  My brain feels like its on overload.  Quitting depression pills is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But I'm doing it for me.  I'm doing it for the 15 year old me that was told she was ugly, had people look at her and go eww, the girl that was told she didn't deserve to be loved, ate her lunch in the bathroom in 9th grade, got locked in a bathroom by some bitch who thought it was funny to torment someone she didn't even know.  This is for the girl that was made fun of for being poor, made fun of for being a nobody.  This is for that girl who never in her wildest dreams thought that she would get her wishes to come true.  There is a someday.  There has to be or else there is nothing to hope for.

End of random rant about random crap.
xoxo

Turning Tables

I woke up today pretty much dripping in negativity.  I don't know why and its taken my body with it.  My stomach is killing me and I now have the reverse of what I normally have stomach wise.  I continue to miss Jacksonville and I honestly don't know why.  NB and I reconnected yesterday, which was nice and it reminded me of the all the things I love about him.  It was nice to feel pretty for a few minutes.  I applied for jobs.  I was productive.  So I don't think I'm feeling bad about that necessarily.  I am pissed at Maryland in general.  I actually think that I'm using Maryland as a scapegoat almost.  Baa.

I hate how being negative courses through your veins like poison almost.  I feel about as out of control of things as I did when I was like 10.  Oddly enough, I'm listening to music from that era too so I guess it fits.  I'm just mad at the way Maryland seems to be treating me.  I have yet to meet any truly nice people around here.  It seems as if they fall into two categories: old and nice or young and mean/rude as hell.  I miss the Floridian sunshine.  I miss the stupid ramp at the end of the hallway of the old condo.  I miss feeling like a success.  I miss my mom but she's another can of worms in itself.

She truly believes that my dad (a man who has never worked an honest day in his life) is going to bring money in from Pakistan (where they're from) and make everything okay.  He's been telling her this since the day he showed up in June 2010.  But she believes in him and gets mad when I challenge him.  But honestly, can you waste your life being sad?  Life in itself is so fleeting that I don't think we can really afford to be sad about stupid things.

Bottom line.  How do you fight being negative?  Prayer I suppose.  I just NB believed in prayer.  I wish God would hear me.  I wish my body would heal.  I don't know if that is even possible.  I'm bound and determined to try though.

XoXo,

Pissy Because I had to Move....Yea You Heard Me Right

I figured I'd hop on here and get everything off my mind.  It's easier for me to type it out than to write it out by hand in a traditional journal  so off I go.  I am mad at Northern Boy for moving me up here.  Bottom line no bones about it.  I hate it here.  I am from the South.  People here are just plain rude and have no concept of hospitality.  I'm mad at NB because I have no job and I gave up a job that I liked to come here.  I hate the fact that he wants to push me onto Welfare when I refuse.  I never ever want to have anything in common with my parents.

I don't know if I'm going crazy or what but I feel disconnected from him.  Like there is a part of me that knows or thinks that I know that he seems comfortable not being married.  I wonder if I even want it.  I have always wanted to belong to a real family.  I don't even have the same last name as either of my parents.  My dad refused to sign my birth certificate.  For a long time, I wanted to take NB's name and get married and live happily ever after.  I'm starting to wonder if there is a such thing as a happily ever after for me.

The money situation isn't good for us right now.  We will be skipping my birthday and Christmas and really anything that makes this podunk town bearable.  I miss the magic we once shared.  I miss looking at him with dewy eyes and being excited to see him every afternoon after school or work.   I miss jumping into his arms.  I miss being able to make him attracted to me like a magnet.  Everything feels like a chore now.

It feels like there is no one to catch me.  No one to make me feel safe.  Now don't get me wrong.  He has done a lot for me.  But on the other end, no one can even begin to understand what its like.  I am looking for a job harder than ever to fix this money crap and just get this burden off me.  I pray that God will help me to find a good job soon.  Speaking of prayer, I wish he believed in God too.  It would be nice to have someone to pray with.

Basically, what this boils down to is that I am pissy because I had to move, and I want some stability and a little magic back in my life.  I don't believe in my mom's pipe dreams (my dad feeds her lies) that one day my dad will get gobs of money from the sky.  I do believe in one thing....okay two.  One, I believe in God.  Two, I believe that if I try hard enough, and put enough apps out there, that I'll find something worthwhile.

Wish me luck.

XOXO,