I suppose every relationship has its phases. Of course, you have the passionate beginning. The middle hum drums and the struggles to keep it all together. Last but not least, either the relationship survives and moves forward or it the final embers burn out and you're left with memories. I wonder where we are. It almost feels like we're at the end. I hate writing about that or even putting that out there but the passion is more or less gone. I don't want to jump his bones. I don't want to make out with him. Even if I wanted to, his reaction is all I need to lose my "erection" I wear the pretty lingerie under my clothes. Almost like a present. That no one seems to care to unwrap.
I have counseling appointments set up to deal with the issues that I've been battling since I was twelve. My dad still manages to play mind games with me and my less than bright mother. My mom tried to send me some money to help me out while I look for a job. Guess who stopped her? My dear old Dad. I don't think he mailed the first envelope. And on the second one which she wasted five dollars to mail via priority mail, was empty and purposefully mailed to the wrong address.
He think this is funny. He could care less that I've been struggling with depression for over a decade because of him. He's probably proud of it. Proud of the mess he's made even perhaps. He wants to isolate my mom, and through the bullshit stunts he's pulled, he's going to be successful.
My mom loves someone who is a sociopath. And even that is insulting to the sociopaths. The man has never worked a day in his life. However, like Dr. David Hayward on AMC (a soap) he's got a sadistic passion for manipulating whomever he can and he won't stop until he issues your breakdown or a win against you.
He has this villainous quality to him. Mind games are his speciality. He will fuck with your head if he can. I have no choice but to really let go of my mom this time. He operates through her. I will never be able to figure out why he is more deserving of her love. Or why she thinks I'm the villain for moving. Or why she's stayed all these years. All I can hope for is that he has to answer to a higher authority.
God gave us free will. What you decide to do with your life is all up to you. I'm starting to think that God can't make you do something. Nor can Satan. However, do I think they put people in your path? HELL YES!!! You make the final decision to do whatever it is that you deem fit. I guess in my dad's mind, he is perfect.
I'm starting to think that NB is slowly but surely turning into his dad. His dad is a hard worker and all, but he is a total snob. Slowly but surely, the things I loved so much about NB seem like fleeting memories. Do I think its possible that the flames can be reignited? Sure. However, there is a part of me that now starts to see the fact that he seems to hate hanging out with me as a sign that this may be less of a sure thing.
There are no guarantees in life. There are no promises to be made. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. The same goes for love. For now....xoxo.
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