Fix You

I miss having a family that I thought loved and cared about me.  It's really hard for me to look at pics of my cousins kids and what not and see my supposed family caring about them.  The same family that attended my college graduation and made such a big deal about me on my birthdays just doesn't exist any more.  I could fall off the face of the planet and they wouldn't notice.  I barely have the scraps of my mom left that I do.  They don't really care about her either.  But she's a delusional mess.  Granted they tried in vain to save her and you just can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

You can't make people love you or believe in you.  You can't impress people that don't want to see your potential.  The best thing you can do, is to love yourself and hope that someday someone will love you as much as you love yourself.  I'm guessing that none of this makes any sense, but its my damn blog and I can ramble here if I want to.

Because I Said So

I'm allowed to say what I want to say.  At least here I am.  There is a part of me that is afraid to go back to work.  This is totally not like me at all because I'm one of those career ambitious types.  But lately, I like being safe at home.  Does this make me weird for feeling this way?  Sigh.  I just wanted to put this out there.


XOXO

Can't Take Direction and My Socks are Never Clean

If you're familiar with the artist Pink, then you know that is a lyric from one of her songs.  My socks on the contrary are always clean.  My IBS is getting worse but things with NB are much better now.  I'm just exhausted from being sick all the time.  I wish I could heal.  I wish I could make friends around here but I don't think that Maryland is willing to welcome me with open arms.  I just feel defeated. I can't find a job and none of this crap that I'm rambling about even seems to make any sense so I guess I'll shut up.  Bottom line, I miss Florida, I miss my old job and I miss my security.  I feel naked here.

Making Peace

So today I came to the conclusion that in order to move on with my life I had to gain some closure with my mom.  I asked her point blank if she thought I was a bad daughter.  She said no.  But she did say something really damming that caught me off guard.  She said that she hated that I had left so fast.  Leaving meaning moving out of her apartment.  She wishes she would have had more time with me, but since my dad showed up, and I had no good job holding me there, I upped and bolted.  Perhaps things might have been different if I had found success in Orlando.  To be honest, I'm glad they didn't.  I would trade a minute of my life that I got to experience living on my own and learning from my mistakes and going through the hardships that I did.  Perhaps it was my hasty leaving that created the wound I bear from all of it.  Or a part of it anyway.  I will always love my mom, it just breaks my heart that she chooses to live with such a deadbeat snake.  And that's like a disgrace to snakes everywhere.  I think it is what it is.  God has a plan for everything and everyone and at this point, I don't think I want to know why.  I don't think anyone can know why.  We have free will.  And she uses her free will to be with him and be miserable.  That's her choice.  I didn't abandon her.  I moved away to be with someone I love.  Someone who has stood by me through the good times and bad.  I talked to her on the phone for like an hour.  However, I think I may be on the road to making peace with what happened to me as a child.  I don't think my mom knew any better. Not that is a valid excuse.  It just seems to make sense.

Until next time,
XOXO