Down Day

I'm not doing very well today.  I'm trying to get over a nasty cold and my stomach greeted me with a lot of ire.  I've been crying since I woke up.  I am just really sad today.  I deleted my Google Voice so that my mom couldn't leave messages for me anymore.  And today I'm left wondering if she's okay or if I'm a bad person.  I feel sick today.  I would give anything to have some friends in this dumb state.  I would seriously give anything for a hug.  I am very congested and just feel like crap.  I haven't been taking my meds because quite frankly, I can't afford them.  No one seems to view my education has having a value.  Seeing as the last job I applied for laughed at me when I asked for the money to match my degree.  


I'm having a hard time time just getting started.  I don't want to get out of bed.  The bed seems like the only safe place i have.  Its safe from my stomach nightmares, its safe from my broken body.  From my acne.  From my problems.  The stupidest crap seems to get me going today.  I saw a picture on top of the tv from when I graduated from UCF of Bryan and I.  I looked at him and this is what went through my head.  


"Look at that boy.  He is wayyy too good looking for me.  I don't deserve him."  NB has been really nice to me over the weekend taking care of me.  He always is.  I just feel like I'm losing it.  All I've ever wanted in life is to be loved and I don't think that that is something that I can attain and even if I can attain it, I don't love myself enough to believe it.  And then I started bawling.


I really do want to love myself.  I want to hug myself.  I want to know that I matter because right now, I don't feel like it.  I just want to curl up in bed and avoid the world.  It's safe here.  The bed is quiet.  There is no guilt for not talking to my mom.  There is no guilt for not being a good gf.  There is not guilt for not standing up for myself.  It's quiet here.


It's safe here.  I know that none of this make any sense.  Its hard.  Depression and anxiety attacks don't come with an instruction manual for the people who are stuck either dealing with it or have loved ones dealing with it. If you know someone that has depression, please help them to get help.  They might not see how destructive they are being.  Or how their behavior is affecting the world around them.  Don't give up on them.  

The sun finally seems to be coming out today.  It has been raining here for the past like four days.  I'm over living in  a puddle.  I'm over feeling defeated.  I think I'm going to lay down again. Until next time....xoxo