An Open Letter To My Bullies

Sometimes I wish I could go back and ask the people who bullied me (my dad included) why they bullied me.  I just want to know why.  Why did you pick on me?  What did I do to you?  How did I hurt you by minding my own business?  Why did you lock me in the girls' bathroom?  Why did you make me beg for forgiveness at your feet for something as trivial as talking to a boy?  Why did you go through my belongings with no respect for my privacy?  Why didn't you encourage me, no matter what I was interested in?  Why did you ask me, in front of everyone in class, "What is that on your head, it looks like bird poop?"  For the record, it was a ribbon or a bow.  I didn't wear bows for about five or six years after that.  My husband helped me to love being myself again, which included wearing flowers in my hair.  I still don't totally love myself.  In fact, sometimes I don't like looking in the mirror.

Why did you tell me that no one would ever love me?  Why did you tell me that I was the equivalent to the bottom of your shoe?  Why did you hit my mom in front of me?  Why did you make fun of me?  Why did you make fun of my name?  Why did you tell me that some guy liked me, when you knew he didn't, because in your mind, I was hideous?  Why did you have to break my heart?  

What pleasure did you get from torturing me?  Why was it fun for you to make me eat lunch by myself?  Why wouldn't you leave me alone after I turned 18?  Why did you insist on following me everywhere I went?  Why didn't you defend me?  Why didn't you stand up for me when I needed you most?  Why couldn't you ever choose me?  Why didn't you love me when I needed you most?  Why did you rape me?  Why did you ask me out, when you knew that I was looking for a relationship and a best friend instead of a one night stand?  

Why couldn't you ever understand that my family was poor and that's why I wore the clothes I wore?  Why was it so easy for you to tell me that none of the abuse happened?  Why is it is so easy for you to forget me?  How can you live with yourself on a daily basis when you know that deep down, you've hurt someone who has always loved you?  

Why, bully, did you treat me the way you did?  I never deserved it. 

I'll say this.  I hope the cycle stops with me.  I sincerely hope that if you have kids, no one treats them that way.  I hope that you don't treat them that way.  I hope that your kids don't do that to some child.  I hope the cycle stops with me.   To my rapist,  I hope that if you have a daughter, that no one does that to your child.  To my dad, I hope that you can live with what you did.  If you're so delusional that you think you did nothing wrong, I hope that someday, you find clarity.  To my mom, I know that you think that you need him and maybe that's why you do what you do.  I don't think you know how much it hurts me to see you waste away.  Maybe you stay with him out of religious duty.  I don't want to know, to be honest.  Please know that I love you.  I always will.  

-Cookie 

Dirty Little Secrets

Everyone has dirty little secrets.  No one is perfect.  No one, except maybe The Creator.  No, this not a long rambling post on religion or anything like that.  Its actually more about the skeletons in our closets.  The people we were in the past.  I've been dragging my feet with regards to going through my old laptop.  She's been out of commission a long time and its probably high time I went through it.  Part of me doesn't want to.  Part of me does.  Part of me feels like I'll regret it.  Part of me is really hurt by what my husband said to me before going to bed.  Maybe he meant nothing by it.  Maybe he did.  I have no idea.  He basically said that, "You need to tell me the day before that you won't be able to iron my stuff or have a really good reason.  When you have a job, then maybe things will be a little more balanced."

If that doesn't make what little self confidence I had dissolve rather quickly, I don't know what does.  I know I have it pretty good.  I get that.  But at the same time, I don't think he's ever been down that dark road where you wake up in fear every morning.  When the place where you're being bullied is the same as your home.  I'm sure my grammar is awful here, but I don't care tonight. 

I found old pictures of my husband before he met me.  He had those things on his sides that make girls stupid (as so eloquently put by 2 Broke Girls).  He's standing in front of a mirror preening for the camera.  I don't know why it bothers me.  Maybe I'm vain.  (Ha!  I'm one to talk....)    I know I'm not the prettiest girl out there, but I sure as hell try.  That picture makes him seem like someone kind of cold and detached.  He reminds me of Barney Stinson in the photo.  "Look at me.  I'm hot and I know it." (His internal dialogue maybe.)  All I know is that when I was single, I was looking for love.   I wanted to be loved.  I don't know why it bothers me.  I know it shouldn't.  I just don't get it.   Damn you skeletons in the closet.  I wish you'd stayed hidden.

-Cookie

I'm Back! Get To Know Me Better!

Hi Y'all,

I've been super neglectful about positing, so I thought a blog revamp was in order.  I did manage to get married I December of last year.  Yes, I did have a breakdown because of a job.  And yes, I'm one of those pre-30 ladies who doesn't want kids right now.  I might take a few jumps back on throw-back posts, but for the most part, my goal is to be funny and insightful.  If you have a topic suggestion or something you'd like for me to discuss, let me know!


About Me

• I'm 28 years old.
• I like horror movies.
• I watch the Walking Dead.
• I don't want kids right now.
• The degree I have is in a field I know I don't want to work in.
• I'm on the fence about my religion.
• I love country music.
• I enjoy shooting rifles and guns at the range.
• I live in Maryland but miss my home state of Florida.
• My mom drives me crazy.
• I get lonely sometimes and can't figure out for the life of me why I can't make friends.
• Maybe I'm not really ready for friends, until I'm comfortable in my own skin.
• I love my husband, but if I could move back to FL, support myself and still be married, I'd do it.
• I like reading, but I'm not religious about finishing them.
• I like to skip to the end of books so I know whether or not the characters get the happy ending they deserve.
• Growing up, my favorite Disney Princess was Ariel.
• I could be in better shape.
• I like driving with the windows down.
• I am an abuse survivor.
• I am a rape survivor.
• I like nail polish.  Wayyy more than I should.
• I have come to terms with the fact that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
• I know I want to go back to school.
• I know I want to pursue photography.
• I'm afraid of heights, spiders, and snakes.
• I enjoy the beach and the outdoors, but my husband is allergic to it.  (Literally)
• I am determined to be happy and enjoy life because its too short to waste.

-Cookie