I Just Want to Love You Today

Sometimes, in my head, I wish for things that I know cannot happen for me.  I don't want to be sick anymore.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I would give anything to be able to love myself.  Why do I have stupid good dreams where my expectations get raised?  I don't want to think about good things happening for me.  I don't want to think about miracles that I don't expect to come true.  I don't want to reminded about them.  I don't want to feel the exhiliarating feeling of being loved the way I've waiting for my whole life, when I know that I can't have it.  I wish that no one saw my flaws.  I wish he didn't see my flaws.  I wish his family didn't see my flaws.  I can't breathe anymore.  I'm having an anxiety attack and there are no guranatees to the questions that I have.  I will never get my wishes.  I just have to accept that and move on.  No one saw any flaws with his mom.  She was perfect enough to marry finanacial risk and all.  In my head, its something I lack.  I can't put on the fake face long enough for anyone to be convinced that I'm ok.  That I'm worthy.  I just want to breathe.  Please help me.


Xoxo

Down Day

I'm not doing very well today.  I'm trying to get over a nasty cold and my stomach greeted me with a lot of ire.  I've been crying since I woke up.  I am just really sad today.  I deleted my Google Voice so that my mom couldn't leave messages for me anymore.  And today I'm left wondering if she's okay or if I'm a bad person.  I feel sick today.  I would give anything to have some friends in this dumb state.  I would seriously give anything for a hug.  I am very congested and just feel like crap.  I haven't been taking my meds because quite frankly, I can't afford them.  No one seems to view my education has having a value.  Seeing as the last job I applied for laughed at me when I asked for the money to match my degree.  


I'm having a hard time time just getting started.  I don't want to get out of bed.  The bed seems like the only safe place i have.  Its safe from my stomach nightmares, its safe from my broken body.  From my acne.  From my problems.  The stupidest crap seems to get me going today.  I saw a picture on top of the tv from when I graduated from UCF of Bryan and I.  I looked at him and this is what went through my head.  


"Look at that boy.  He is wayyy too good looking for me.  I don't deserve him."  NB has been really nice to me over the weekend taking care of me.  He always is.  I just feel like I'm losing it.  All I've ever wanted in life is to be loved and I don't think that that is something that I can attain and even if I can attain it, I don't love myself enough to believe it.  And then I started bawling.


I really do want to love myself.  I want to hug myself.  I want to know that I matter because right now, I don't feel like it.  I just want to curl up in bed and avoid the world.  It's safe here.  The bed is quiet.  There is no guilt for not talking to my mom.  There is no guilt for not being a good gf.  There is not guilt for not standing up for myself.  It's quiet here.


It's safe here.  I know that none of this make any sense.  Its hard.  Depression and anxiety attacks don't come with an instruction manual for the people who are stuck either dealing with it or have loved ones dealing with it. If you know someone that has depression, please help them to get help.  They might not see how destructive they are being.  Or how their behavior is affecting the world around them.  Don't give up on them.  

The sun finally seems to be coming out today.  It has been raining here for the past like four days.  I'm over living in  a puddle.  I'm over feeling defeated.  I think I'm going to lay down again. Until next time....xoxo

Ow...Ow...Ow.

Sometimes, I feel like a baby.  Literally.  My stomach hurts so bad, it feels like its on fire and I can't find a soul who understands how bad it hurts.  Or how embarrassing it is when your stomach explodes in public and you're stuck trying to hide it.  Such is the life of someone with IBS.  Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS as its more commonly known can strike where ever and whenever it wants to and sometimes its driven by whatever is going on in your head.

There are some wonderful things going on in my life.  There are mountains to cross.  There a oceans to swim too. Whenever I get sick, I think of my mom.  I wonder what she's doing.  She leaves me messages even though I got her number blocked.  I miss her.  But I cannot afford to let her into my life.  If I do, I'd lose NB.  And I can't deal with that.  Things are getting better between us and I can understand that its hard to love on someone who has covered themselves in spikes.  My behavior and breakdowns are the equivalent of spikes.  I'm fighting hard to shed them.  To learn to love myself.  I want to love myself. And biggest of all, I want to be loved.  I want to have love and joy in my life.  I am exhausted.  I'm going to turn in for the night.  Until next time..xoxo

Old Relationship vs. New Relationship

I suppose every relationship has its phases.  Of course, you have the passionate beginning.  The middle hum drums and the struggles to keep it all together.  Last but not least, either the relationship survives and moves forward or it the final embers burn out and you're left with memories.  I wonder where we are.  It almost feels like we're at the end.  I hate writing about that or even putting that out there but the passion is more or less gone.  I don't want to jump his bones.  I don't want to make out with him.  Even if I wanted to, his reaction is all I need to lose my "erection"  I wear the pretty lingerie under my clothes.  Almost like a present.  That no one seems to care to unwrap.

I have counseling appointments set up to deal with the issues that I've been battling since I was twelve.  My dad still manages to play mind games with me and my less than bright mother.  My mom tried to send me some money to help me out while I look for a job.  Guess who stopped her?  My dear old Dad.  I don't think he mailed the first envelope.  And on the second one which she wasted five dollars to mail via priority mail, was empty and purposefully mailed to the wrong address.

He think this is funny.  He could care less that I've been struggling with depression for over a decade because of him.  He's probably proud of it.  Proud of the mess he's made even perhaps.  He wants to isolate my mom, and through the bullshit stunts he's pulled, he's going to be successful.

My mom loves someone who is a sociopath.  And even that is insulting to the sociopaths.  The man has never worked a day in his life.  However, like Dr. David Hayward on AMC (a soap) he's got a sadistic passion for manipulating whomever he can and he won't stop until he issues your breakdown or a win against you.

He has this villainous quality to him.  Mind games are his speciality.  He will fuck with your head if he can.  I have no choice but to really let go of my mom this time.  He operates through her.  I will never be able to figure out why he is more deserving of her love.  Or why she thinks I'm the villain for moving.  Or why she's stayed all these years.  All I can hope for is that he has to answer to a higher authority.

God gave us free will.  What you decide to do with your life is all up to you.  I'm starting to think that God can't make you do something.  Nor can Satan.  However, do I think they put people in your path?  HELL YES!!! You make the final decision to do whatever it is that you deem fit.  I guess in my dad's mind, he is perfect.

I'm starting to think that NB is slowly but surely turning into his dad.  His dad is a hard worker and all, but he is a total snob.  Slowly but surely, the things I loved so much about NB seem like fleeting memories.  Do I think its possible that the flames can be reignited?  Sure.  However, there is a part of me that now starts to see the fact that he seems to hate hanging out with me as a sign that this may be less of a sure thing.

There are no guarantees in life.  There are no promises to be made.  Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  The same goes for love.  For now....xoxo.

Skinny Girl....Fat Girl....Girl Interrupted (Bad grammar and All)

I Forgot to Mention This...

Okay, so I forgot to mention this when I rambled through the last post.  I'm trying to give my blog a structure.  So here's how it will go.

Monday: General Buzz-weekend stuff

Tuesday-I'll post if I have something to share, if not off.

Wednesday:  Wordless Wednesday.  I'll post a pic and just let that be there on its own as food for thought.  Pic might be of me or something I'm thinking about.

Friday: Week recap and progress report on how I am doing with my battle with depression and keeping it all together.

Okay, so now I'll shut up.

XOXO,

Out Here It's Like I'm Someone Else...

If you didn't know it already, you should know that I love country music.  Not all of it mind you.  But a sizable chunk most definitely.  I'm what you would call a typical Southern Girl.  I was born and raised (for the most part) in Florida.   I loved it there....for better or for worse.  I met my best friend there.  I survived my parent's abuse there.  I broke out of their cage there.  The hardest thing for me right now is dealing with the resurgence of my depression.  I was the victim for such a long time that now I don't know what else to be.  It's much easier to be the victim than to attempt to fight back.  If you fight back, you may get hurt.  However, now I'm starting to see that if you don't fight that image....fight that box or corner you paint yourself into, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life. 

I'm sure it would help you to understand if I provided a little background about me before I go into weekly posting mode.  So here goes.  I don't feel comfortable sharing my real name so I'll just go by the moniker S.G. for southern girl.

I was raised by Muslim parents who thought that abusing me and keeping me away from the world was the answer.  Guess what.  It wasn't.  It only made me like a wounded vet that comes back from a war so destroyed that he can't cope with what he has seen.  He still sees it everywhere.  Those booby traps.  Those pitfalls.  The need protect oneself.  The victim slowly goes from being the victim to the victimizer taking in causalities in the process.

I was robbed of most of my childhood.  I was robbed of my teen years.  I've never gotten over it.  I was a cutter.  A self-abuser.  Worst of all, I had no faith in myself or my abilities or my value as a person.

The last two decades have been a battle.  I've had my good times and I've had my bad times.  I've lived through so much hell and I am most definitely stronger for it.

While the gatekeeper of my personal hell (my dad) was away, I went through a string of bad relationships.  I was date-raped.  I was abused.  I was cheated on.  Then, I found this guy.  We'll call him Northern Boy or NB for short. 

We fell in love while I was struggling through my Senior internship to become a teacher.  The teacher I had was hell bent on making sure that I failed and with the grace of God, his support and my adviser, I was able to graduate.

By the way, I'm not a teacher.  And for good reason and one of these days, I'll tell you that story.  But not today.

Anyway, last night I let my inner demons push me to the point that I pushed NB to the point of wanting to kick me out in a state where I have no friends, no family and no where to go.  I ALMOST LOST HIM.

Right now, I'm fighting to keep this wonderful blessing in my life and I don't know if I can do it.  But I know that I have to.  I have to save my own life.  I'm racing against my own demons and this time, I've got to outrun them or I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

Until next time....xoxo...