Turning Tables

I woke up today pretty much dripping in negativity.  I don't know why and its taken my body with it.  My stomach is killing me and I now have the reverse of what I normally have stomach wise.  I continue to miss Jacksonville and I honestly don't know why.  NB and I reconnected yesterday, which was nice and it reminded me of the all the things I love about him.  It was nice to feel pretty for a few minutes.  I applied for jobs.  I was productive.  So I don't think I'm feeling bad about that necessarily.  I am pissed at Maryland in general.  I actually think that I'm using Maryland as a scapegoat almost.  Baa.

I hate how being negative courses through your veins like poison almost.  I feel about as out of control of things as I did when I was like 10.  Oddly enough, I'm listening to music from that era too so I guess it fits.  I'm just mad at the way Maryland seems to be treating me.  I have yet to meet any truly nice people around here.  It seems as if they fall into two categories: old and nice or young and mean/rude as hell.  I miss the Floridian sunshine.  I miss the stupid ramp at the end of the hallway of the old condo.  I miss feeling like a success.  I miss my mom but she's another can of worms in itself.

She truly believes that my dad (a man who has never worked an honest day in his life) is going to bring money in from Pakistan (where they're from) and make everything okay.  He's been telling her this since the day he showed up in June 2010.  But she believes in him and gets mad when I challenge him.  But honestly, can you waste your life being sad?  Life in itself is so fleeting that I don't think we can really afford to be sad about stupid things.

Bottom line.  How do you fight being negative?  Prayer I suppose.  I just NB believed in prayer.  I wish God would hear me.  I wish my body would heal.  I don't know if that is even possible.  I'm bound and determined to try though.

XoXo,