Turning Tables

I woke up today pretty much dripping in negativity.  I don't know why and its taken my body with it.  My stomach is killing me and I now have the reverse of what I normally have stomach wise.  I continue to miss Jacksonville and I honestly don't know why.  NB and I reconnected yesterday, which was nice and it reminded me of the all the things I love about him.  It was nice to feel pretty for a few minutes.  I applied for jobs.  I was productive.  So I don't think I'm feeling bad about that necessarily.  I am pissed at Maryland in general.  I actually think that I'm using Maryland as a scapegoat almost.  Baa.

I hate how being negative courses through your veins like poison almost.  I feel about as out of control of things as I did when I was like 10.  Oddly enough, I'm listening to music from that era too so I guess it fits.  I'm just mad at the way Maryland seems to be treating me.  I have yet to meet any truly nice people around here.  It seems as if they fall into two categories: old and nice or young and mean/rude as hell.  I miss the Floridian sunshine.  I miss the stupid ramp at the end of the hallway of the old condo.  I miss feeling like a success.  I miss my mom but she's another can of worms in itself.

She truly believes that my dad (a man who has never worked an honest day in his life) is going to bring money in from Pakistan (where they're from) and make everything okay.  He's been telling her this since the day he showed up in June 2010.  But she believes in him and gets mad when I challenge him.  But honestly, can you waste your life being sad?  Life in itself is so fleeting that I don't think we can really afford to be sad about stupid things.

Bottom line.  How do you fight being negative?  Prayer I suppose.  I just NB believed in prayer.  I wish God would hear me.  I wish my body would heal.  I don't know if that is even possible.  I'm bound and determined to try though.

XoXo,

Making Peace

So today I came to the conclusion that in order to move on with my life I had to gain some closure with my mom.  I asked her point blank if she thought I was a bad daughter.  She said no.  But she did say something really damming that caught me off guard.  She said that she hated that I had left so fast.  Leaving meaning moving out of her apartment.  She wishes she would have had more time with me, but since my dad showed up, and I had no good job holding me there, I upped and bolted.  Perhaps things might have been different if I had found success in Orlando.  To be honest, I'm glad they didn't.  I would trade a minute of my life that I got to experience living on my own and learning from my mistakes and going through the hardships that I did.  Perhaps it was my hasty leaving that created the wound I bear from all of it.  Or a part of it anyway.  I will always love my mom, it just breaks my heart that she chooses to live with such a deadbeat snake.  And that's like a disgrace to snakes everywhere.  I think it is what it is.  God has a plan for everything and everyone and at this point, I don't think I want to know why.  I don't think anyone can know why.  We have free will.  And she uses her free will to be with him and be miserable.  That's her choice.  I didn't abandon her.  I moved away to be with someone I love.  Someone who has stood by me through the good times and bad.  I talked to her on the phone for like an hour.  However, I think I may be on the road to making peace with what happened to me as a child.  I don't think my mom knew any better. Not that is a valid excuse.  It just seems to make sense.

Until next time,
XOXO

Down Day

I'm not doing very well today.  I'm trying to get over a nasty cold and my stomach greeted me with a lot of ire.  I've been crying since I woke up.  I am just really sad today.  I deleted my Google Voice so that my mom couldn't leave messages for me anymore.  And today I'm left wondering if she's okay or if I'm a bad person.  I feel sick today.  I would give anything to have some friends in this dumb state.  I would seriously give anything for a hug.  I am very congested and just feel like crap.  I haven't been taking my meds because quite frankly, I can't afford them.  No one seems to view my education has having a value.  Seeing as the last job I applied for laughed at me when I asked for the money to match my degree.  


I'm having a hard time time just getting started.  I don't want to get out of bed.  The bed seems like the only safe place i have.  Its safe from my stomach nightmares, its safe from my broken body.  From my acne.  From my problems.  The stupidest crap seems to get me going today.  I saw a picture on top of the tv from when I graduated from UCF of Bryan and I.  I looked at him and this is what went through my head.  


"Look at that boy.  He is wayyy too good looking for me.  I don't deserve him."  NB has been really nice to me over the weekend taking care of me.  He always is.  I just feel like I'm losing it.  All I've ever wanted in life is to be loved and I don't think that that is something that I can attain and even if I can attain it, I don't love myself enough to believe it.  And then I started bawling.


I really do want to love myself.  I want to hug myself.  I want to know that I matter because right now, I don't feel like it.  I just want to curl up in bed and avoid the world.  It's safe here.  The bed is quiet.  There is no guilt for not talking to my mom.  There is no guilt for not being a good gf.  There is not guilt for not standing up for myself.  It's quiet here.


It's safe here.  I know that none of this make any sense.  Its hard.  Depression and anxiety attacks don't come with an instruction manual for the people who are stuck either dealing with it or have loved ones dealing with it. If you know someone that has depression, please help them to get help.  They might not see how destructive they are being.  Or how their behavior is affecting the world around them.  Don't give up on them.  

The sun finally seems to be coming out today.  It has been raining here for the past like four days.  I'm over living in  a puddle.  I'm over feeling defeated.  I think I'm going to lay down again. Until next time....xoxo