Pissy Because I had to Move....Yea You Heard Me Right

I figured I'd hop on here and get everything off my mind.  It's easier for me to type it out than to write it out by hand in a traditional journal  so off I go.  I am mad at Northern Boy for moving me up here.  Bottom line no bones about it.  I hate it here.  I am from the South.  People here are just plain rude and have no concept of hospitality.  I'm mad at NB because I have no job and I gave up a job that I liked to come here.  I hate the fact that he wants to push me onto Welfare when I refuse.  I never ever want to have anything in common with my parents.

I don't know if I'm going crazy or what but I feel disconnected from him.  Like there is a part of me that knows or thinks that I know that he seems comfortable not being married.  I wonder if I even want it.  I have always wanted to belong to a real family.  I don't even have the same last name as either of my parents.  My dad refused to sign my birth certificate.  For a long time, I wanted to take NB's name and get married and live happily ever after.  I'm starting to wonder if there is a such thing as a happily ever after for me.

The money situation isn't good for us right now.  We will be skipping my birthday and Christmas and really anything that makes this podunk town bearable.  I miss the magic we once shared.  I miss looking at him with dewy eyes and being excited to see him every afternoon after school or work.   I miss jumping into his arms.  I miss being able to make him attracted to me like a magnet.  Everything feels like a chore now.

It feels like there is no one to catch me.  No one to make me feel safe.  Now don't get me wrong.  He has done a lot for me.  But on the other end, no one can even begin to understand what its like.  I am looking for a job harder than ever to fix this money crap and just get this burden off me.  I pray that God will help me to find a good job soon.  Speaking of prayer, I wish he believed in God too.  It would be nice to have someone to pray with.

Basically, what this boils down to is that I am pissy because I had to move, and I want some stability and a little magic back in my life.  I don't believe in my mom's pipe dreams (my dad feeds her lies) that one day my dad will get gobs of money from the sky.  I do believe in one thing....okay two.  One, I believe in God.  Two, I believe that if I try hard enough, and put enough apps out there, that I'll find something worthwhile.

Wish me luck.

XOXO,