Thursday, November 10, 2011

You are...The Only Exception....

I woke up feeling really really really sad today.  I don't know why.  I didn't sleep very well and I just feel all sorts of sad today.  I keep looking at everyone else announcing their babies and weddings and I keep having this dumb thought that I'll never get the chance to share my news with anyone.  I don't know if I will ever get there.  Ever since I quit Cymbalta, I've had this awful rash from hell on my legs and bum.  It's a withdrawal symptom.  I just feel this crushing lonliness today and I don't know if I will be able to shake it.  I see things for babies and little kids and it gets me going because a child's world is so innocent and so pure and I never had that.

I was abused a lot as a little kid and young adult.  My dad was a manipulative......well you know.  All I've ever wanted is to feel safe and feel loved.  NB loves me.  I know that.  But I am too negative for him.  I'm trying but its such a hard fight and I don't know if I will ever be okay.  I just want to be accepted.  I just want to be loved.  I just want to have a few seconds of whimsy.  I want to be able to look back at my childhood and not burst into tears.

I am not a freak.  I am not worthless.  I deserve to be happy too. 

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