Clueless

 "She is literally the Polaroid of perfection.  She has everything and she'll give it to you in a second.  Looks can deceive.  She wears her heart on her sleeve.  She'll steal you away.  Not just one day, one day, is an ordinary day.  In her world, she's an ordinary girl." -Theme from TV's Clueless

I may not be popular, I may not be pretty and in the grand scheme of things I may not matter to anyone but I am a human being and I owe it to myself to love me.  I owe it to myself to put a band-aid on my wounds and let them heal.  I owe it to myself to let the past be in the past and the present my gift.  I just can't get over how hard it is to watch everyone around me get married and have babies and have the family that I've waited my whole life to have.  If NB's brother's SO gets her baby too, I'm positively going to scream.  Why don't I deserve to be happy?  I'm not getting any younger.  I'm actually getting older.  Every single freaking day.  Why don't I deserve anything?  I have to skip my birthday.  I have to skip Christmas.  I am afraid to find a job and at the same time I need a job that will make me feel better about myself.  My brain feels like its on overload.  Quitting depression pills is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But I'm doing it for me.  I'm doing it for the 15 year old me that was told she was ugly, had people look at her and go eww, the girl that was told she didn't deserve to be loved, ate her lunch in the bathroom in 9th grade, got locked in a bathroom by some bitch who thought it was funny to torment someone she didn't even know.  This is for the girl that was made fun of for being poor, made fun of for being a nobody.  This is for that girl who never in her wildest dreams thought that she would get her wishes to come true.  There is a someday.  There has to be or else there is nothing to hope for.

End of random rant about random crap.
xoxo

Turning Tables

I woke up today pretty much dripping in negativity.  I don't know why and its taken my body with it.  My stomach is killing me and I now have the reverse of what I normally have stomach wise.  I continue to miss Jacksonville and I honestly don't know why.  NB and I reconnected yesterday, which was nice and it reminded me of the all the things I love about him.  It was nice to feel pretty for a few minutes.  I applied for jobs.  I was productive.  So I don't think I'm feeling bad about that necessarily.  I am pissed at Maryland in general.  I actually think that I'm using Maryland as a scapegoat almost.  Baa.

I hate how being negative courses through your veins like poison almost.  I feel about as out of control of things as I did when I was like 10.  Oddly enough, I'm listening to music from that era too so I guess it fits.  I'm just mad at the way Maryland seems to be treating me.  I have yet to meet any truly nice people around here.  It seems as if they fall into two categories: old and nice or young and mean/rude as hell.  I miss the Floridian sunshine.  I miss the stupid ramp at the end of the hallway of the old condo.  I miss feeling like a success.  I miss my mom but she's another can of worms in itself.

She truly believes that my dad (a man who has never worked an honest day in his life) is going to bring money in from Pakistan (where they're from) and make everything okay.  He's been telling her this since the day he showed up in June 2010.  But she believes in him and gets mad when I challenge him.  But honestly, can you waste your life being sad?  Life in itself is so fleeting that I don't think we can really afford to be sad about stupid things.

Bottom line.  How do you fight being negative?  Prayer I suppose.  I just NB believed in prayer.  I wish God would hear me.  I wish my body would heal.  I don't know if that is even possible.  I'm bound and determined to try though.

XoXo,