Girls Who Complain About the Size of the Diamond...

I'll admit it.  I sit there and I admire engagement rings on Helzberg.com.  I like reading the reviews for no reason and I know that he may never ask me bc I have so many flaws and may never be a good financial investment.  I love the reviews where the girl goes "The center stone is only a third of a carat."  WHOA.  Let me get this straight.  You are pissing and moaning because he asked you to marry him and the ring he gave you wasn't large enough for you?  SERIOUSLY.

I would be happy with a true proposal.  I'd be happy with the el cheapo super value ring they sell that has like one stone in it.  It's the thought that counts.  The fact that some guy wants to make you his wife and spend the rest of his life with you should count for something.  I guess that part of it counts more to me than anything bc I come from a really really messed up family and my dad spent tons of time telling me that I was the equivalent to the bottom of his dirty shoe.  That was so comforting.

I just want to belong to a real family.  I don't have my mom's last name and thank God I don't have my dad's either.  I actually have his middle name as my last.  I hate having that brand on me.  I'm so tired of being sad.  I want to love myself but I don't know how.  It's really hard.  I know I have so many blessings in my life (NB being one of them) but the ambitious part of me wants so much more and a lot of it BEFORE I turn 30.

End rant.

xoxo

Pissy Because I had to Move....Yea You Heard Me Right

I figured I'd hop on here and get everything off my mind.  It's easier for me to type it out than to write it out by hand in a traditional journal  so off I go.  I am mad at Northern Boy for moving me up here.  Bottom line no bones about it.  I hate it here.  I am from the South.  People here are just plain rude and have no concept of hospitality.  I'm mad at NB because I have no job and I gave up a job that I liked to come here.  I hate the fact that he wants to push me onto Welfare when I refuse.  I never ever want to have anything in common with my parents.

I don't know if I'm going crazy or what but I feel disconnected from him.  Like there is a part of me that knows or thinks that I know that he seems comfortable not being married.  I wonder if I even want it.  I have always wanted to belong to a real family.  I don't even have the same last name as either of my parents.  My dad refused to sign my birth certificate.  For a long time, I wanted to take NB's name and get married and live happily ever after.  I'm starting to wonder if there is a such thing as a happily ever after for me.

The money situation isn't good for us right now.  We will be skipping my birthday and Christmas and really anything that makes this podunk town bearable.  I miss the magic we once shared.  I miss looking at him with dewy eyes and being excited to see him every afternoon after school or work.   I miss jumping into his arms.  I miss being able to make him attracted to me like a magnet.  Everything feels like a chore now.

It feels like there is no one to catch me.  No one to make me feel safe.  Now don't get me wrong.  He has done a lot for me.  But on the other end, no one can even begin to understand what its like.  I am looking for a job harder than ever to fix this money crap and just get this burden off me.  I pray that God will help me to find a good job soon.  Speaking of prayer, I wish he believed in God too.  It would be nice to have someone to pray with.

Basically, what this boils down to is that I am pissy because I had to move, and I want some stability and a little magic back in my life.  I don't believe in my mom's pipe dreams (my dad feeds her lies) that one day my dad will get gobs of money from the sky.  I do believe in one thing....okay two.  One, I believe in God.  Two, I believe that if I try hard enough, and put enough apps out there, that I'll find something worthwhile.

Wish me luck.

XOXO,

Fix You

I miss having a family that I thought loved and cared about me.  It's really hard for me to look at pics of my cousins kids and what not and see my supposed family caring about them.  The same family that attended my college graduation and made such a big deal about me on my birthdays just doesn't exist any more.  I could fall off the face of the planet and they wouldn't notice.  I barely have the scraps of my mom left that I do.  They don't really care about her either.  But she's a delusional mess.  Granted they tried in vain to save her and you just can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

You can't make people love you or believe in you.  You can't impress people that don't want to see your potential.  The best thing you can do, is to love yourself and hope that someday someone will love you as much as you love yourself.  I'm guessing that none of this makes any sense, but its my damn blog and I can ramble here if I want to.