Making Peace

So today I came to the conclusion that in order to move on with my life I had to gain some closure with my mom.  I asked her point blank if she thought I was a bad daughter.  She said no.  But she did say something really damming that caught me off guard.  She said that she hated that I had left so fast.  Leaving meaning moving out of her apartment.  She wishes she would have had more time with me, but since my dad showed up, and I had no good job holding me there, I upped and bolted.  Perhaps things might have been different if I had found success in Orlando.  To be honest, I'm glad they didn't.  I would trade a minute of my life that I got to experience living on my own and learning from my mistakes and going through the hardships that I did.  Perhaps it was my hasty leaving that created the wound I bear from all of it.  Or a part of it anyway.  I will always love my mom, it just breaks my heart that she chooses to live with such a deadbeat snake.  And that's like a disgrace to snakes everywhere.  I think it is what it is.  God has a plan for everything and everyone and at this point, I don't think I want to know why.  I don't think anyone can know why.  We have free will.  And she uses her free will to be with him and be miserable.  That's her choice.  I didn't abandon her.  I moved away to be with someone I love.  Someone who has stood by me through the good times and bad.  I talked to her on the phone for like an hour.  However, I think I may be on the road to making peace with what happened to me as a child.  I don't think my mom knew any better. Not that is a valid excuse.  It just seems to make sense.

Until next time,
XOXO