I'm Back! Get To Know Me Better!

Hi Y'all,

I've been super neglectful about positing, so I thought a blog revamp was in order.  I did manage to get married I December of last year.  Yes, I did have a breakdown because of a job.  And yes, I'm one of those pre-30 ladies who doesn't want kids right now.  I might take a few jumps back on throw-back posts, but for the most part, my goal is to be funny and insightful.  If you have a topic suggestion or something you'd like for me to discuss, let me know!


About Me

• I'm 28 years old.
• I like horror movies.
• I watch the Walking Dead.
• I don't want kids right now.
• The degree I have is in a field I know I don't want to work in.
• I'm on the fence about my religion.
• I love country music.
• I enjoy shooting rifles and guns at the range.
• I live in Maryland but miss my home state of Florida.
• My mom drives me crazy.
• I get lonely sometimes and can't figure out for the life of me why I can't make friends.
• Maybe I'm not really ready for friends, until I'm comfortable in my own skin.
• I love my husband, but if I could move back to FL, support myself and still be married, I'd do it.
• I like reading, but I'm not religious about finishing them.
• I like to skip to the end of books so I know whether or not the characters get the happy ending they deserve.
• Growing up, my favorite Disney Princess was Ariel.
• I could be in better shape.
• I like driving with the windows down.
• I am an abuse survivor.
• I am a rape survivor.
• I like nail polish.  Wayyy more than I should.
• I have come to terms with the fact that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
• I know I want to go back to school.
• I know I want to pursue photography.
• I'm afraid of heights, spiders, and snakes.
• I enjoy the beach and the outdoors, but my husband is allergic to it.  (Literally)
• I am determined to be happy and enjoy life because its too short to waste.

-Cookie 

Clueless

 "She is literally the Polaroid of perfection.  She has everything and she'll give it to you in a second.  Looks can deceive.  She wears her heart on her sleeve.  She'll steal you away.  Not just one day, one day, is an ordinary day.  In her world, she's an ordinary girl." -Theme from TV's Clueless

I may not be popular, I may not be pretty and in the grand scheme of things I may not matter to anyone but I am a human being and I owe it to myself to love me.  I owe it to myself to put a band-aid on my wounds and let them heal.  I owe it to myself to let the past be in the past and the present my gift.  I just can't get over how hard it is to watch everyone around me get married and have babies and have the family that I've waited my whole life to have.  If NB's brother's SO gets her baby too, I'm positively going to scream.  Why don't I deserve to be happy?  I'm not getting any younger.  I'm actually getting older.  Every single freaking day.  Why don't I deserve anything?  I have to skip my birthday.  I have to skip Christmas.  I am afraid to find a job and at the same time I need a job that will make me feel better about myself.  My brain feels like its on overload.  Quitting depression pills is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But I'm doing it for me.  I'm doing it for the 15 year old me that was told she was ugly, had people look at her and go eww, the girl that was told she didn't deserve to be loved, ate her lunch in the bathroom in 9th grade, got locked in a bathroom by some bitch who thought it was funny to torment someone she didn't even know.  This is for the girl that was made fun of for being poor, made fun of for being a nobody.  This is for that girl who never in her wildest dreams thought that she would get her wishes to come true.  There is a someday.  There has to be or else there is nothing to hope for.

End of random rant about random crap.
xoxo

Down Day

I'm not doing very well today.  I'm trying to get over a nasty cold and my stomach greeted me with a lot of ire.  I've been crying since I woke up.  I am just really sad today.  I deleted my Google Voice so that my mom couldn't leave messages for me anymore.  And today I'm left wondering if she's okay or if I'm a bad person.  I feel sick today.  I would give anything to have some friends in this dumb state.  I would seriously give anything for a hug.  I am very congested and just feel like crap.  I haven't been taking my meds because quite frankly, I can't afford them.  No one seems to view my education has having a value.  Seeing as the last job I applied for laughed at me when I asked for the money to match my degree.  


I'm having a hard time time just getting started.  I don't want to get out of bed.  The bed seems like the only safe place i have.  Its safe from my stomach nightmares, its safe from my broken body.  From my acne.  From my problems.  The stupidest crap seems to get me going today.  I saw a picture on top of the tv from when I graduated from UCF of Bryan and I.  I looked at him and this is what went through my head.  


"Look at that boy.  He is wayyy too good looking for me.  I don't deserve him."  NB has been really nice to me over the weekend taking care of me.  He always is.  I just feel like I'm losing it.  All I've ever wanted in life is to be loved and I don't think that that is something that I can attain and even if I can attain it, I don't love myself enough to believe it.  And then I started bawling.


I really do want to love myself.  I want to hug myself.  I want to know that I matter because right now, I don't feel like it.  I just want to curl up in bed and avoid the world.  It's safe here.  The bed is quiet.  There is no guilt for not talking to my mom.  There is no guilt for not being a good gf.  There is not guilt for not standing up for myself.  It's quiet here.


It's safe here.  I know that none of this make any sense.  Its hard.  Depression and anxiety attacks don't come with an instruction manual for the people who are stuck either dealing with it or have loved ones dealing with it. If you know someone that has depression, please help them to get help.  They might not see how destructive they are being.  Or how their behavior is affecting the world around them.  Don't give up on them.  

The sun finally seems to be coming out today.  It has been raining here for the past like four days.  I'm over living in  a puddle.  I'm over feeling defeated.  I think I'm going to lay down again. Until next time....xoxo

Old Relationship vs. New Relationship

I suppose every relationship has its phases.  Of course, you have the passionate beginning.  The middle hum drums and the struggles to keep it all together.  Last but not least, either the relationship survives and moves forward or it the final embers burn out and you're left with memories.  I wonder where we are.  It almost feels like we're at the end.  I hate writing about that or even putting that out there but the passion is more or less gone.  I don't want to jump his bones.  I don't want to make out with him.  Even if I wanted to, his reaction is all I need to lose my "erection"  I wear the pretty lingerie under my clothes.  Almost like a present.  That no one seems to care to unwrap.

I have counseling appointments set up to deal with the issues that I've been battling since I was twelve.  My dad still manages to play mind games with me and my less than bright mother.  My mom tried to send me some money to help me out while I look for a job.  Guess who stopped her?  My dear old Dad.  I don't think he mailed the first envelope.  And on the second one which she wasted five dollars to mail via priority mail, was empty and purposefully mailed to the wrong address.

He think this is funny.  He could care less that I've been struggling with depression for over a decade because of him.  He's probably proud of it.  Proud of the mess he's made even perhaps.  He wants to isolate my mom, and through the bullshit stunts he's pulled, he's going to be successful.

My mom loves someone who is a sociopath.  And even that is insulting to the sociopaths.  The man has never worked a day in his life.  However, like Dr. David Hayward on AMC (a soap) he's got a sadistic passion for manipulating whomever he can and he won't stop until he issues your breakdown or a win against you.

He has this villainous quality to him.  Mind games are his speciality.  He will fuck with your head if he can.  I have no choice but to really let go of my mom this time.  He operates through her.  I will never be able to figure out why he is more deserving of her love.  Or why she thinks I'm the villain for moving.  Or why she's stayed all these years.  All I can hope for is that he has to answer to a higher authority.

God gave us free will.  What you decide to do with your life is all up to you.  I'm starting to think that God can't make you do something.  Nor can Satan.  However, do I think they put people in your path?  HELL YES!!! You make the final decision to do whatever it is that you deem fit.  I guess in my dad's mind, he is perfect.

I'm starting to think that NB is slowly but surely turning into his dad.  His dad is a hard worker and all, but he is a total snob.  Slowly but surely, the things I loved so much about NB seem like fleeting memories.  Do I think its possible that the flames can be reignited?  Sure.  However, there is a part of me that now starts to see the fact that he seems to hate hanging out with me as a sign that this may be less of a sure thing.

There are no guarantees in life.  There are no promises to be made.  Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  The same goes for love.  For now....xoxo.

Skinny Girl....Fat Girl....Girl Interrupted (Bad grammar and All)

Out Here It's Like I'm Someone Else...

If you didn't know it already, you should know that I love country music.  Not all of it mind you.  But a sizable chunk most definitely.  I'm what you would call a typical Southern Girl.  I was born and raised (for the most part) in Florida.   I loved it there....for better or for worse.  I met my best friend there.  I survived my parent's abuse there.  I broke out of their cage there.  The hardest thing for me right now is dealing with the resurgence of my depression.  I was the victim for such a long time that now I don't know what else to be.  It's much easier to be the victim than to attempt to fight back.  If you fight back, you may get hurt.  However, now I'm starting to see that if you don't fight that image....fight that box or corner you paint yourself into, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life. 

I'm sure it would help you to understand if I provided a little background about me before I go into weekly posting mode.  So here goes.  I don't feel comfortable sharing my real name so I'll just go by the moniker S.G. for southern girl.

I was raised by Muslim parents who thought that abusing me and keeping me away from the world was the answer.  Guess what.  It wasn't.  It only made me like a wounded vet that comes back from a war so destroyed that he can't cope with what he has seen.  He still sees it everywhere.  Those booby traps.  Those pitfalls.  The need protect oneself.  The victim slowly goes from being the victim to the victimizer taking in causalities in the process.

I was robbed of most of my childhood.  I was robbed of my teen years.  I've never gotten over it.  I was a cutter.  A self-abuser.  Worst of all, I had no faith in myself or my abilities or my value as a person.

The last two decades have been a battle.  I've had my good times and I've had my bad times.  I've lived through so much hell and I am most definitely stronger for it.

While the gatekeeper of my personal hell (my dad) was away, I went through a string of bad relationships.  I was date-raped.  I was abused.  I was cheated on.  Then, I found this guy.  We'll call him Northern Boy or NB for short. 

We fell in love while I was struggling through my Senior internship to become a teacher.  The teacher I had was hell bent on making sure that I failed and with the grace of God, his support and my adviser, I was able to graduate.

By the way, I'm not a teacher.  And for good reason and one of these days, I'll tell you that story.  But not today.

Anyway, last night I let my inner demons push me to the point that I pushed NB to the point of wanting to kick me out in a state where I have no friends, no family and no where to go.  I ALMOST LOST HIM.

Right now, I'm fighting to keep this wonderful blessing in my life and I don't know if I can do it.  But I know that I have to.  I have to save my own life.  I'm racing against my own demons and this time, I've got to outrun them or I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

Until next time....xoxo...