Can't Take Direction and My Socks are Never Clean

If you're familiar with the artist Pink, then you know that is a lyric from one of her songs.  My socks on the contrary are always clean.  My IBS is getting worse but things with NB are much better now.  I'm just exhausted from being sick all the time.  I wish I could heal.  I wish I could make friends around here but I don't think that Maryland is willing to welcome me with open arms.  I just feel defeated. I can't find a job and none of this crap that I'm rambling about even seems to make any sense so I guess I'll shut up.  Bottom line, I miss Florida, I miss my old job and I miss my security.  I feel naked here.

Making Peace

So today I came to the conclusion that in order to move on with my life I had to gain some closure with my mom.  I asked her point blank if she thought I was a bad daughter.  She said no.  But she did say something really damming that caught me off guard.  She said that she hated that I had left so fast.  Leaving meaning moving out of her apartment.  She wishes she would have had more time with me, but since my dad showed up, and I had no good job holding me there, I upped and bolted.  Perhaps things might have been different if I had found success in Orlando.  To be honest, I'm glad they didn't.  I would trade a minute of my life that I got to experience living on my own and learning from my mistakes and going through the hardships that I did.  Perhaps it was my hasty leaving that created the wound I bear from all of it.  Or a part of it anyway.  I will always love my mom, it just breaks my heart that she chooses to live with such a deadbeat snake.  And that's like a disgrace to snakes everywhere.  I think it is what it is.  God has a plan for everything and everyone and at this point, I don't think I want to know why.  I don't think anyone can know why.  We have free will.  And she uses her free will to be with him and be miserable.  That's her choice.  I didn't abandon her.  I moved away to be with someone I love.  Someone who has stood by me through the good times and bad.  I talked to her on the phone for like an hour.  However, I think I may be on the road to making peace with what happened to me as a child.  I don't think my mom knew any better. Not that is a valid excuse.  It just seems to make sense.

Until next time,
XOXO

I Just Want to Love You Today

Sometimes, in my head, I wish for things that I know cannot happen for me.  I don't want to be sick anymore.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I would give anything to be able to love myself.  Why do I have stupid good dreams where my expectations get raised?  I don't want to think about good things happening for me.  I don't want to think about miracles that I don't expect to come true.  I don't want to reminded about them.  I don't want to feel the exhiliarating feeling of being loved the way I've waiting for my whole life, when I know that I can't have it.  I wish that no one saw my flaws.  I wish he didn't see my flaws.  I wish his family didn't see my flaws.  I can't breathe anymore.  I'm having an anxiety attack and there are no guranatees to the questions that I have.  I will never get my wishes.  I just have to accept that and move on.  No one saw any flaws with his mom.  She was perfect enough to marry finanacial risk and all.  In my head, its something I lack.  I can't put on the fake face long enough for anyone to be convinced that I'm ok.  That I'm worthy.  I just want to breathe.  Please help me.


Xoxo

Down Day

I'm not doing very well today.  I'm trying to get over a nasty cold and my stomach greeted me with a lot of ire.  I've been crying since I woke up.  I am just really sad today.  I deleted my Google Voice so that my mom couldn't leave messages for me anymore.  And today I'm left wondering if she's okay or if I'm a bad person.  I feel sick today.  I would give anything to have some friends in this dumb state.  I would seriously give anything for a hug.  I am very congested and just feel like crap.  I haven't been taking my meds because quite frankly, I can't afford them.  No one seems to view my education has having a value.  Seeing as the last job I applied for laughed at me when I asked for the money to match my degree.  


I'm having a hard time time just getting started.  I don't want to get out of bed.  The bed seems like the only safe place i have.  Its safe from my stomach nightmares, its safe from my broken body.  From my acne.  From my problems.  The stupidest crap seems to get me going today.  I saw a picture on top of the tv from when I graduated from UCF of Bryan and I.  I looked at him and this is what went through my head.  


"Look at that boy.  He is wayyy too good looking for me.  I don't deserve him."  NB has been really nice to me over the weekend taking care of me.  He always is.  I just feel like I'm losing it.  All I've ever wanted in life is to be loved and I don't think that that is something that I can attain and even if I can attain it, I don't love myself enough to believe it.  And then I started bawling.


I really do want to love myself.  I want to hug myself.  I want to know that I matter because right now, I don't feel like it.  I just want to curl up in bed and avoid the world.  It's safe here.  The bed is quiet.  There is no guilt for not talking to my mom.  There is no guilt for not being a good gf.  There is not guilt for not standing up for myself.  It's quiet here.


It's safe here.  I know that none of this make any sense.  Its hard.  Depression and anxiety attacks don't come with an instruction manual for the people who are stuck either dealing with it or have loved ones dealing with it. If you know someone that has depression, please help them to get help.  They might not see how destructive they are being.  Or how their behavior is affecting the world around them.  Don't give up on them.  

The sun finally seems to be coming out today.  It has been raining here for the past like four days.  I'm over living in  a puddle.  I'm over feeling defeated.  I think I'm going to lay down again. Until next time....xoxo

Ow...Ow...Ow.

Sometimes, I feel like a baby.  Literally.  My stomach hurts so bad, it feels like its on fire and I can't find a soul who understands how bad it hurts.  Or how embarrassing it is when your stomach explodes in public and you're stuck trying to hide it.  Such is the life of someone with IBS.  Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS as its more commonly known can strike where ever and whenever it wants to and sometimes its driven by whatever is going on in your head.

There are some wonderful things going on in my life.  There are mountains to cross.  There a oceans to swim too. Whenever I get sick, I think of my mom.  I wonder what she's doing.  She leaves me messages even though I got her number blocked.  I miss her.  But I cannot afford to let her into my life.  If I do, I'd lose NB.  And I can't deal with that.  Things are getting better between us and I can understand that its hard to love on someone who has covered themselves in spikes.  My behavior and breakdowns are the equivalent of spikes.  I'm fighting hard to shed them.  To learn to love myself.  I want to love myself. And biggest of all, I want to be loved.  I want to have love and joy in my life.  I am exhausted.  I'm going to turn in for the night.  Until next time..xoxo