An Open Letter To My Bullies

Sometimes I wish I could go back and ask the people who bullied me (my dad included) why they bullied me.  I just want to know why.  Why did you pick on me?  What did I do to you?  How did I hurt you by minding my own business?  Why did you lock me in the girls' bathroom?  Why did you make me beg for forgiveness at your feet for something as trivial as talking to a boy?  Why did you go through my belongings with no respect for my privacy?  Why didn't you encourage me, no matter what I was interested in?  Why did you ask me, in front of everyone in class, "What is that on your head, it looks like bird poop?"  For the record, it was a ribbon or a bow.  I didn't wear bows for about five or six years after that.  My husband helped me to love being myself again, which included wearing flowers in my hair.  I still don't totally love myself.  In fact, sometimes I don't like looking in the mirror.

Why did you tell me that no one would ever love me?  Why did you tell me that I was the equivalent to the bottom of your shoe?  Why did you hit my mom in front of me?  Why did you make fun of me?  Why did you make fun of my name?  Why did you tell me that some guy liked me, when you knew he didn't, because in your mind, I was hideous?  Why did you have to break my heart?  

What pleasure did you get from torturing me?  Why was it fun for you to make me eat lunch by myself?  Why wouldn't you leave me alone after I turned 18?  Why did you insist on following me everywhere I went?  Why didn't you defend me?  Why didn't you stand up for me when I needed you most?  Why couldn't you ever choose me?  Why didn't you love me when I needed you most?  Why did you rape me?  Why did you ask me out, when you knew that I was looking for a relationship and a best friend instead of a one night stand?  

Why couldn't you ever understand that my family was poor and that's why I wore the clothes I wore?  Why was it so easy for you to tell me that none of the abuse happened?  Why is it is so easy for you to forget me?  How can you live with yourself on a daily basis when you know that deep down, you've hurt someone who has always loved you?  

Why, bully, did you treat me the way you did?  I never deserved it. 

I'll say this.  I hope the cycle stops with me.  I sincerely hope that if you have kids, no one treats them that way.  I hope that you don't treat them that way.  I hope that your kids don't do that to some child.  I hope the cycle stops with me.   To my rapist,  I hope that if you have a daughter, that no one does that to your child.  To my dad, I hope that you can live with what you did.  If you're so delusional that you think you did nothing wrong, I hope that someday, you find clarity.  To my mom, I know that you think that you need him and maybe that's why you do what you do.  I don't think you know how much it hurts me to see you waste away.  Maybe you stay with him out of religious duty.  I don't want to know, to be honest.  Please know that I love you.  I always will.  

-Cookie