I'll tell this in order, but I had some stuff I just had to get off my chest. First off, I want to apologize for being so negative. I haven't taken moving well at all and lately I just feel invisible. Sometimes, I just want to be. Anyway, please accept my apologies for being so down. I am sorry if I offend you. Here we go.
Brandon
NB had a friend in high school named Brandon. Brandon lived life to the fullest. He lived to live and didn't care what people thought. He was a genuinely nice guy. Unfortunately, Brandon died almost a decade ago in a car accident. I hate the fact that I've spent so much time dwelling on what people think/thought of me. Life seems like fleeting moments flying by at the speed of light. You blink and before you know it, college is a memory. You blink again and you're 30 with like two kids. I don't want to wake up one day and regret that I didn't live my life. I ask myself what if my life was over tomorrow? Would I be satisfied with what I've done and how I've treated people or would I have regrets? I don't want to waste my time worrying about what people think. So what if you pushed me in PE? So what if you looked at me and said ew? You don't matter. I have to love myself so that the person who does love me gets the best me there is....
Up
I finally watched Up with NB today. It happened to be on TV. I cried throughout it. (DUH!) I cried because he loved this woman so much. She managed to encourage him from the beyond. Through her spirit. I used to be that way with NB. I tried to lift his spirits when he needed them. Lately, I've been a disappointment. He's been trying to lift my spirits to no avail. I won't let him. I don't want that to be my legacy. I don't want NB to look back and think "She was so troubled. She didn't bring me happiness." I want to bring him happiness.
Negativity
Negativity manages to flow through you like a poison. I can feel when negative thoughts are running through my mind. My stomach starts to hurt. IBS is majorly connected to the mind. Being negative hurts my whole body. I've come to the conclusion that life is too short for that. Not to mention I don't want to be sick anymore. I'm working on what I eat. I have to work on what I think too.
The 99%
Wanna know a secret? I was raised dirt poor. When I was going to middle and high school, I didn't have fancy clothes. Hell, I wore clothes from Kmart. I cared what people thought then. My mom worked so hard to make sure I had something to wear period. I was emotionally abused too. Mostly by my dad and via side effect by my mom who never stood up for me. I had proms, dances, even going to the mall taken away from me. I've been dirt poor in college. I've been a mis-manager of money when I thought I was going to be a teacher....decorating my hypothetical room. I had credit card debt. I still do. Not a lot mind you. It's what's still left. I hate the fact that companies don't think I belong there. They aren't willing to even try me. I have something to offer. I worked all through high school, college and beyond. I wanted nothing more than to be accepted. What I sought, was acceptance of me. You can't make people accept you. You can't make someone hire you. All I can tell myself is that someday, someone will give me a chance and when they do, they will be glad they did. I know my old job in Jax did. What I can't get over is the fact that the economy supports people to stay home and do nothing and punishes you for getting an education. When I worked at kmart...there would be women who would come through (on welfare) and they would buy junk food. I'm standing there making seven bucks an hour, and here stands some rude crazy woman who hasn't put out an ounce of the effort tormenting me for not smiling. I'm sorry, I don't feel like smiling when I'm working for chump change out of college. I am the 99%. I know there are PHd's out there flipping burgers. Masters degree holders working the same awful jobs I've worked. I just wish things made more sense. What frustrates me, is that there is no justice. I can't let that get to me.
-The SG
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