I'm returning to the blogging world today. I apologize for my absence. However, the absence, is really well-explained, I promise. Just read the disjointed post below....
Anyone who even remotely knows me, knows that I love music. I use it as therapy. I use it to celebrate. I use it to mourn. I use it for just about everything. I always have songs stuck in my head that take me back to times in my life. And sure, I associate them with feelings too.
Watching the universe get married while I'm still trying to put the pieces of my life together, is depressing. But scarily enough, I don't even care any more. I'm done chasing after the ring, and the magical proposal. I saw the pictures of NB's brother's wedding posted by his wife's bff. That's like a mouthful right? And you know what song goes through my head? Jealousy...by Natalie Merchant. I miss 1995. I commented to NB that his brother looked about as happy as a clam. His response, "He's a sucker." When I asked him for clarification, he goes, "He lets her push him around." My response, "You're really smart then, you wear the pants in the relationship, you have the power to make someone homeless." Luckily, I don't think he caught all of that...I said some of it under my breath.
That little comment he made takes me back to where I was five minutes ago. Wondering what others have that I don't have that makes them more marry-able than me. Yes, I just went through a big thing with my job. I had to quit. It was making me miserable and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I couldn't take waking up and dreading the sound of my alarm going off. I couldn't deal with fearing everyday. I couldn't deal with waking up several times a night, covered in sweat thinking to myself, "I have to get up in 2 hours, I have to get up in 1 hour and fifteen minutes, I have to get up in 30 minutes." It was a scary thing to have to deal with. I'm glad I got sick. I'm glad I quit. It was by far the best decision I have ever made in my life. I decided that taking care of me was more important.
Then I had the issue of telling NB. I texted him before I did it. I resigned via email from that nightmare of a job. They wanted their crap back, so I drove out there and dropped it off. As I was headed out, my phone rang and it was him. I told him and he said he was disappointed and I thought that was the worst of what I was going to have to deal with. Boy was I wrong. NB comes home and tells me I need to get out. As in he's throwing me out.
I'm not entirely sure how to breathe at this point. Breathing is cancelled. Anything making sense is cancelled. I'm standing there, just staring at this kid...touching his shirt and he's pointing at the door, "You have to leave. I'll help you pack. You don't have to leave right this second. I'll even help you get back to FL." "How much money do you have?" I respond. "Good, you have enough, you'll need it to get back to Orlando."
Um okay. I look at him. "So you're going to be with someone else. You're going to love someone else." His response, "Yes, eventually." My answer was an astounding, "Okay." I for the first or second time in my life was actually left speechless. Here I stand, the last five years of my life just come crashing down. He has the picture of me from his desk in his lunchbox...(which I didn't know at the time.) He's done. Everything is over...he's telling me to go and live with my abusive dad and my mom. I know I can't do that...so in essence, I am homeless.
I start calling friends from Jax and asking if I can crash on their couches until I figure stuff out. Not a soul can take me. Everyone has lives, and its understandable that no one is just going to let you crash on their couch. One of my old coworkers finally finds someone who kindheartedly says yes. But God performed some weird miracle, I tell you because as I stood upstairs pacing away, NB changed his mind...
